My heart was broken this week. I feel bruised and battered, and yet I am at peace. At this moment I am resting in the arms of the one who loves me, who loves me with an everlasting love.
I was thinking about a friend of mine, and the look on her face when she held their daughter the first day she became theirs. Love shone out of her, giving her an unearthly beauty, a radiance that is hard to describe. As I was thinking about her, and the things God has shown me about His love through that moment, through that expression on her face, I was reminded of this: “The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26. I think I understand what it means for the LORD to make his face to shine upon us. It is that look of love, of delight and joy that is of such radiant beauty it almost hurts when your eyes rest upon it.
As my heart was broken this week and I was a wounded, bleeding soul, my Savior was looking at me with this kind of love. His face was shining on me with such love and compassion. I can barely begin to understand this, this kind of love. In this pain, there has been a fight, a fight with bitterness, with anger, with depression, with defeat.
The fight is won, for now, but it has left me exhausted and in a quiet, contemplative state of mind. I am weary of the anger, of the family squabbles, of the barbs coming from those who are supposed to love you, care for you, protect you. I am accepting, yet again, what is, what was, what shall be, and those are hard things. I’m a dreamer. I dreamt such pretty dreams of family with loving looks and warm embraces. That is someone else’s family, not mine. Still, in the very deepest parts of me, the heart within my heart, there still exists the dream of a father who is my daddy in all the ways that word is spoken best, with all the things that word brings to mind. Maybe that dream needs to die. Maybe it is keeping me from truly experiencing all the love and healing of my Heavenly Father. I don’t know.
Let me leave you with this blessing:
The LORD bless and keep you;
The LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
The LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.