Sometimes you can’t be Switzerland

I’ve spent most of my adult life trying not to take sides. Most of the time I find that both sides have their own interior logic, whether I agree or not. In that spirit I try to approach things.

It’s a tightrope walk, but it mostly works for me.

Sometimes, however, when issues and behaviors come to light, I can no longer fly a neutral flag and must take sides.

I’m horrified to find that I have to do this again. I’ve been hoping to be a bridge between two warring parties, only to find out that one party has been hiding things from me. Lying, lets be honest.

I pride myself on being able to read people. Yes, pride is one of my besetting sins. Turns out the signs have been there, but I didn’t want to see them.

The betrayal is huge. My heart is broken. Again. I trusted, admired, believed, followed, and defended the wrong side. I’m not ashamed of that. I was hoodwinked by a professional.

This person has caused so much pain. And my pain is not just for myself, but for the others who have been hurt, betrayed, slandered, and deceived.

Friends against friends.

Taking sides that should not have to be taken. Psalms 101 (100 in the Orthodox Bible) 6&7 says: Mine eyes shall be upon the faithful of the land, that they may dwell with me: he that walketh in a perfect way, he shall serve me. He that worketh deceit shall not dwell within my house: he that telleth lies shall not tarry in my sight.

These verses helped me figure out which side I’m on. I’ve observed my friends, and seen them walk uprightly. I’ve never known them to lie, hide, or prevaricate. When they spoke truth, I recognized it, despite my deep wish that it not be true.

Betrayal hurts. And we all get sucked into it.

My friend Charlie said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Wise advice.

Despite what I want to be true, believe the evidence of your own eyes.

And no, my husband is not who I’m speaking about.

The pain is real, however.

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Discovery

I tried to understand my part in the difficult relationship my dad and I had, I really did. Only recently have I begun to see my own sin in that relationship.

I didn’t act in the most loving way. I nursed my pain. I acted superior. I lacked respect. Even when I was respectful on the outside, I was arrogant on the inside. I tried to forgive, but held onto my pain, wielding it ineffectively, but refusing to set it down.

Perhaps, had I been humble, kind, and truly loving and forgiving, he could have softened and let the sweet guy, the one on the inside, out. Perhaps not, but I would have, could have had fewer regrets.